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Tuesday, March 22, 2011

{Little Tyke Tuesday} I miss my Boonchie!

My daughter has been with her dad for the last two weeks. I don't get her back until Monday morning. Back on August, her father began to adhere to the 50/50 joint custody arrangement sent in place in December of the previous year. Initially, it was a week for him, a week for me. Out of nowhere, he said that the only way he could do it was to keep her for two weeks at a time so that he could schedule his 'job' around having her.

Since I was out of town last week, we had to finagle the schedule to accommodate him having her while I was in Chicago. So, I kept her for three weeks (instead of two) and he kept her for three weeks. Once this period ends, we'll go back to the two weeks on, two weeks off arrangement. I call her everyday. To see how she's doing, what she's up to and whatnot. She seems happy; the exact opposite of the clingy, unhappy Shey I dropped off two Tuesday mornings ago.

He told me today that he had to fire his nanny. (Who knew that a dude without a job who can't afford to pay child support can afford hired help). She didn't show up on time (must've been something HUGE because that dide lives on CP time) and she wasn't doing things the way he wanted them done. I cautioned him that going from one woman living in the house (his soon to be {second} ex-wife) to having another woman be the matriarch, might be confusing to Shey. As usual; he didn't listen.

It's times like these that I'm glad that I'm not married to him anymore. Back then, because he was my husband, I had to acquiesce to his 'better' judgement because, as the husband, he was the spiritual head of the household. That reason alone should be enough for every woman who is considering marriage to fast and pray leading up to, and proceeding, becoming engaged.

I met and married my now ex-husband in six weeks. You read that right. Six. Weeks. When we met, the Lord spoke to my heart and said that I was going to marry him. I tool that as the Lord telling me to marry him. It wasn't until years later when I told my Aunt/then Pastor, this that she asked me "Achsha, what if the Lord was simply telling what you were going to do not what to do?"

Truthfully, I had never even considered that possibility. That thought changed my entire perspective on the whole situation. Then I thought... If I'd never married Paul, I wouldn't have had Shey... Suddenly; it all became worth it. Everything; all of the pain, hurt, misery, all of the put-downs had given me an awesome little person that I adore.

Being divorced gives one a perspective that others who are considering the process respect. When asked, I tell my homegirls the same thing; "I will never tell you to leave your husband or to stay. The only thing I can do is give you my perspective."

Going through a divorce was tough. So much so that at times, I considered calling it off just so I wouldn't have to experience the pain that comes along with it. Looking back from the other side, it's easy to say that it was worth it, but in the thick of it; it wasn't. I wanted nothing more than to turn tail and give it another go. True story. But in the end; I'm SO glad I didn't. It was the best decision. FOR ME. I reiterate. FOR ME it was the best decision.

But! It doesn't make joint custody easier. Splitting my daughter's time between her dad and I sucks. When I get her back, she seems older, more mature, wiser. It's hard to describe but it's true nonetheless. For as long as she's a minor; I will have to live with the consequence of having left her father, my (then) husband. Choosing to be a single mom and to raise her alone.

It's a tough road and it's one I won't know the path of until I'm done traveling it.


Pink - Family Portrait

Chrisette Michelle - Blame it on Me

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