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Sunday, July 31, 2011

{Spirituality Sunday} Don't Go

Deitrick Haddon - "Don't Go"

This song is one of my favorites by Deitrick Haddon. The lyrics sound like he could be talking to his wife or the Lord. Depending on the day and my mood, it's applicable to Jesus or my ex-husband. 
I've come to terms with a few things about being divorced; like it or not, I will always feel some kind of way about my ex-husband. The fact that we have a kid together pretty much tethers us to each other until one of us -preferably him- dies or gets deported (him again). 

These same thoughts are what draw me to the other side of the song. Being a Christian is awesome but tough. I still cuss .A lot. And, I likes my alcohol. I have road rage like nobody's business, and I would off a certain someone if given the chance and a get out of jail free card. That may not seem like much to most, but for someone who tears up at every gospel song that I hear, it makes me feel less than worthy of the title. 

I've not only walked away from the Lord (more than once or twice), I've slammed the door in His face. During my college years, I was all the way to the edge of hell. Real talk. I. Was. Out there. doing everything and anything to get my jollies off. But for real, for real? I was miserable. I got high only to come down, back to reality. Back to hating myself, where I found myself in life, the things that I did and the people I did them with. 

I found myself coming back to the Lord only when things were tough, or when I needed a favor from him. I'd make empty promises to pray more, read my Bible more, start going to church, start paying my tithes. I might as well have had my fingers crossed behind my back because I never planned to do any of it. 

Then, I hit bottom. It took a while, but sure as shootin' it happened. When it did, there was nowhere for me to go and no one for me to look to. I HAD to go back to Him. And He was there. With open arms. 

When I became a Mom, I was better able to understand the relationship that God has with us. He is our heavenly father, the operative word being Father. 

As a Mom, when Shey messes up; yeah, I'm upset. I spank her, yell at her or put her on time out. But, if she were to scream out in pain while on time out; there is no way that just because I'm angry at her that I would ignore her. I would run to her to see what was wrong. 

God is the same way. He sees all that we're doing, and He just wants us to figure it out, to really see that He's good and to make that decision to stay with Him. I did, finally. June 12, 2003 and it was the best decision I've ever made.

God gave me the gift of writing. He gave me a beautiful, healthy daughter. But most importantly; he gave me eternal life. 


Jill Scott - "Blessed"