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Sunday, March 20, 2011

{Celibacy Sunday} What's the female equivalent to "blue balls"?

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body. Do you now know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefor honor God with your body.

I Corinthians 6:18-20 (NIV)

My heart was heavy today. Last week, I shared how difficult my purity walk has become for me since being in love with such an awesome man. Today, I almost reversed my decision, with a smile on my face. I have always felt in the back of my head that if I went back on my promise of celibacy until marriage that God would reciprocate by not allowing me to marry my boyfriend, the man of my dreams. 

During a conversation we had on the phone today, where I all but talked him into coming to see me for that very purpose, he said essentially the same thing. He was down to do the do with me, we were debating on what day. I said today, he said later this week. I said today. He said tomorrow. I said today. There was a long, awkward silence. I told him that I wanted to get it in before I lost my resolve. That if we waited even until tomorrow, that I would talk myself out of it. 

He was silent again, for longer than the aforementioned silence. "We can't", he said. "I can feel God shaking His finger at me like 'Don't you do it." I was steadfast. I told him that I could see God shaking His finger at me, so I turned my head. "See, when you're dealing with someone who is omnipresent, you can't turn away" he said. "That's when you close your eyes" I said.

We were silent again and he said that we could do it, but he was afraid of what would happen to us if we did. That's when the thought jumped from the place in the back of my mind that I had shoved it. If we did this; there would be no coming back from it. We had made this promise to God and to each other and no one else. Were I to acquiesce, I would be no different than any other girlfriend or sex partner he'd had before. The same would be true for him. 

But the truth is, he IS different from anyone I've ever been with. I love him in a way that I never loved even the man I was married to. That's one of the factors that makes abstaining even harder; he's the only one that I want to be with, ever. And I have to wait for an undetermined amount of time. 

After talking for a while, we reset our resolve. I told him that if sleeping with him now even held the possibility of us not spending our lives together; that I would hold out for as long as it takes. That I would shoulder the responsibility of keeping us pure. We've waited individually a long time even before having met each other. I ask myself, "what's a little more time?"

I took a nap before leaving to run errands and I eventually ended up at my best friend's house. I told her what happened and she encouraged me. She told me that my celibacy journey has been inspiring to her and that since he and I love each other so much; it'll be worth the wait once it finally happens. It will be God blessed, full of anticipation and guilt free. I agree totally but it doesn't make it any easier. Not. Even. A little bit...

But I am determined to see it through. In truth, I do not yet have the body that I want my would be husband to see. When I do think about what it will be like to be with him; the circumstances do not mirror any of our current circumstances. So I'm leaning on the Lord. I'm asking for strength and affirming Bible verses like the one above to keep my head and body in the right place. 


Dru Hill - These are the times 

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