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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

My first Love

With everything that's been going on in this last year; writing had taken a back seat. A year ago today, Jerry and I met and the whirlwind began. Married, pregnant and +1 in less than a year. We went from being respective single parents to a family of five seemingly overnight.
It's been unthinkable, and, awesome. This past year, I've spent laying the foundation for our blended family and our relationship. In that time, I have all but rejected my first love; writing. It's easy to say "I'll write twice as much tomorrow" or "I'm taking a break" but the truth is, just as with any other talent, if you don't use it, you lose it.
My best friend and writing partner was once the less diligent writer between the two of us. Over the weekend, she sent me some chapters that allowed me to see the progress that she's making in her project.
Since I've had the baby (11-27-12; 7 lbs 11oz, 20.5" long) I've been feeling more creative but very tired. The plan is just to do what I can when I can. So, here's the start; a short blog post which will be followed by news on the chapters to follow.
Having another year, having a baby, and celebrating an anniversary are all milestones indeed, but it's past time I start giving my first love the attention it deserves.

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Love Heals All Wounds

The old adage "time heals all wounds" is true, but I think love, in cases of heartbreak is what heals all wounds.
As I went through being duped and subsequently dumped, there were two men who ushered me from that dark alley of bitterness into the tunnel of love. The first was my cousin Vern and the second was the man who would love me past my pain and show me what real love is, my would be husband Jerry.
After being dumped, I was in a state of confusion and shock. What had I done wrong? Vern's answer; nothing. Dude wanted out. Plain and simple. He admitted that "the no sex thing" couldn't have helped the relationship, but that aside, my ex boyfriend was incapable of being honest with me.
Vern spent several days talking me through the mind of a man. Sharing his own story of being dumped by a woman he had moved out of the state for. If the sexes were reversed, it WAS the same story. She became distant and told him " I think we should see other people."
It was Vern who encouraged me to get back on the horse right away. I thought I should give myself the obligatory "half the length of the relationship" time off, which in my case would mean 8 1/2 months.
I liked the idea of moving on in spite of being dumped. I felt empowered instead of vulnerable and weak. In those first days, the encouraging calls and texts from my cousin were what helped me talk about my feelings to others which gave me the perspective and clarity to move forward.
The love from the men in my life, especially Jerry, is what healed my heart. Once you see what real love is, you laugh at what you thought it had been.
Looking back, I allowed my attraction to my ex boyfriend and the few gestures of love that he showed me to delude me into believing that I was in love. The blissful months that we spent together in the beginning blinded me from the obvious; he wasn't the man he wanted me to believe he was in the beginning and he wanted none of the things he told me were must haves to be in a relationship with him.
Jerry has been the answer to all of my prayers for the kind of man I wanted as a husband. He loves my daughter as his own, loves me as I am, is selfless, considerate, kind, and easy on the eyes. All of the things I listed as must haves and nice to haves on my list are checked off now.
Had I consulted my own list, it would have been clear to me that I was settling when it came to my former relationship. It took true love for me to see that.
Having real men in my life who cared enough to explain what was obvious from their perspective is what allowed me to meet, love, and marry Jerry. Almost 9 months into our relationship and 7 months into our marriage, things couldn't be better and I couldn't be happier.
Because of his role in our relationship coming together, and because of the example that we know he and his wife will set, we've asked Vern and his wife to be Heather's God Parents.
Talk about a happy ending. Who'da thunk it?

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

It's Been A Long Time Coming

It's been eight months since I blogged last. A lot has happened.
A lot.
Here are the highlights...

I got dumped, met someone else, and fell in love.
He asked me to marry him the day before New Years' Eve,
I accepted and we were wed February 10, of this year.
On March 13, I found out that I'm pregnant.
On June 21, we found out we're having a girl.
Heather Marie Jones is due to arrive November 17th.

I expected that people would think that I was nuts for falling for someone so soon after being dumped. 16 months of my life seemingly wasted with a man who obviously cared nothing about me. I was heart broken. Or so I thought.

After sulking for an entire weekend, I went to work on Monday trying my best to put on my strong face, hoping no one would notice. Someone did. Ruben, my 45+ year old co-worker that I affectionately call The Mexican Teddy Bear, looked at me and asked if I was okay. I told him that I was and tried to walk away before I started crying. It was 8:30. About the same time of morning my now ex-boyfriend would send me the standard "good morning, I love you" text. I wanted to get out of there before the notion of knowing that the text wasn't going to come, overwhelmed me in front of my peers.

Ruben didn't buy it when I said I was fine. He asked again, I told him I was good. Still doubting, he asked again. I relented and told him that I had been dumped. Once I said it out loud, I began to cry and hurried to my truck.

As the day went on, I was overcome with emotion again and again. It was embarrassing. I felt lost and unprotected. All those months; I thought he and I were building toward something; marriage, a family. Not so. He dumped me through a text message after dropping my things off to my house and leaving them on my trash can.

The more I thought about it; the more I cried. I had been a fool, an absolute fool. I had done everything for him, for us, I thought, and look where it had gotten me. I went through the motions of the day; hurrying home to sulk when I got a call from Ruben.

"What happened?" Ruben asked. I ran it down for him. A few weeks before, my 'boyfriend' told me he wanted to postpone our upcoming wedding in Las Vegas.  During that conversation, I told him that we wouldn't get married, that I felt like he and I were growing apart, that we never spent enough time together. He assured me that we would get married, just not in March like we planned. I didn't believe him then, and I knew that it was indicative of things to come. 

I sent him a text message Saturday morning just hours after his "good morning, I love you" text telling him that I don't think he loves me. Preparing for a book club meeting that night, I took a shower and washed my hair missing a text reply and subsequent phone call from him.

I awoke from a nap to find that he had removed me as a friend from facebook and sent a very curt text message (from the phone I supplied him and paid the bill for) saying that "He didn't want to do it like this... that I didn't do anything wrong... I'm a good person, yadda, yadda, yadda." I called him and got no answer, I called again, and again, and again. No answer. I called from my house phone and he picked up. I asked him if this was real. What was going on? Was there someone else?

Yes it was real, no there wasn't anyone else, he just wants to focus on his music. I chortled, wished him "good luck with that" sarcastically and hung up the phone. I called the phone company, reported the phone stolen and went to my book club meeting.

I went on to tell Ruben that I didn't understand how he could do that to me. After all I had done and sacrificed for him. Now I'd have to start over.

Ruben listened to me intently before weighing in. "Achsha, all I hear you saying is 'How could he do this to me?' 'Now I have to start over?' "What if I don't find someone else?' What I'm not hearing you say is 'He broke my heart.' 'I feel lost.' 'What am I going to do without him?' That's what you usually hear from someone who's heartbroken. I mean, I could be wrong, but I don't think you were in love with this guy. Maybe you were so caught up in the idea of marrying him, that you've lost focus of the relationship. You said you guys haven't really spent any time together since he took that job last November. I mean, I could be wrong, but it sounds like you're out of love with him."

*Lightbulb* Ruben was absolutely right. I wasn't in love with him anymore, I hadn't been for a while. My suspicions as to what he really was doing with his time and the inconsistent stories he threw out, I knew, deep down, that things weren't right but, I held on anyway. My family loved him, my daughter adored him and we seemed good together.

But of course, hindsight is 20/20. I created my own reality when it came to him. One where he really was at the studio every waking hour he had outside of work, not with the many women he bragged about coming after him. A reality where I was his one and only and once we were married, that everything would fall into place. Deep down; I knew better. He just wasn't that into me. And it's a good thing he wasn't. Otherwise, I wouldn't have met my husband.

I still get the questions from people; "How are things going? How's the hubby?" I can hear the sarcasm in their voices; the question behind the question that says "Has it all fallen apart yet?" The truth is, I resigned a long time ago that I don't care what people think. He and I know what we have and what we are to each other; an answer to prayer. It's amazing to me that a woman can meet a man, sleep with him shortly thereafter, move in with him and then hope that one day he'll realize she's wifey material and marry her. Jerry and I agreed that we would do things right from the very start and let the rest work itself out. 

I hope that explains the hiatus. A new relationship, merging of families and 20 weeks of pregnancy have left little room for writing, but I'm back in the swing of things.

Life is good now. I don't eat, sleep and breathe work anymore, and I finally feel like my dreams can come true with him by my side believing in me and supporting me, as I do him. For the first time in my life; I've gotten my comeuppance. All I can say is Thank God.