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Saturday, April 16, 2011

{Significant Other Saturday} So Happy Together.

Flobots -  "So Happy Together"

It's hard not to compare a current significant other to a previous significant other. A part of me almost feels guilty for doing so... But then again; not so much. Once I compare apples to apples and realize that the one I'm comparing doesn't even belong in the same category; I stop feeling bad. I was married for a good portion of my 20s to a person who not only did not recognize my value but plucked away at said value until (he thought) there was none left. So, to be with a man now who not only reinforces that value, but, adds to it at every chance, is slightly off-putting. But... I love it.

I can talk to him about everything without fear of repercussion or reprimand. He hugs me whenever I need one without making me feel needy or insecure. We talk, laugh, drink and joke together. He makes me happy.
I'm one that believes that ones' partner should COMPLIMENT not COMPLETE them. People are constantly leaving relationships because their partner does not make them happy. (Happiness is based on what is HAPPENING. Joy comes from within. It is what sustains a person when happiness is fleeting.) That aside; my boyfriend adds to my life; he makes things better.  

We both have our issues outside of one another. Work sucks at times for both of us and life gets to us but we've made it a point to be the happy thought in the morning wishing one another a good day. To be the ones that can help to brighten the other's day. Before bed, we wish each other well so that we can go to bed with a good thought so that we rest well and wake up the same. He's my happy thought.

And truthfully; I wouldn't want it any other way.

'Nuff said.

Anthony David - 'Forever More'

Sunday, April 10, 2011

{Spirituality Sunday} Why I love Him like I do.


"Love Him like I do" - Deitrick Haddon featuring Reuben Studdard & Mary Mary

     So, I outed myself on nationwide radio last week. Last Wednesday , I was invited to be on the radio program of one of my customers who is a minister. I shared with him that years ago, I identified and lived my life as a lesbian. He couldn't believe it. Sometimes; it's hard for me to believe myself because it seems so long ago and, I know that I'm so far from being that woman. I went on the program and I spoke honestly and from the heart.
Apparently, what I talked about resonated with some and offended others. It's understandable though when you're talking about matters of deliverance and homosexuality.

     I've always been a tomboy. Always. From the time I realized that boys didn't have to wear dresses and didn't have to wipe themselves; I was jealous. I had two older brothers and a slue of boy cousins. I had one girl cousin on each side of my family and they were both significantly older than me. On my block, there was one other girl, Kim and we weren't friendly. We tried playing together a few times but we didn't mesh well so she played with the girls the next block over.

     As the years passed, I didn't grow out of being a tomboy. I wore my oldest brother's designer hand-me-downs which served both to conceal my ever rising weight and get me out of the no name, knock off clothes I hated wearing. As a child, being a tomboy was never an issue. Not for me at least. My friends and family all knew that I had always been that way. I hated the color pink (maybe it had something to do with my room being pepto bismol pink for all of my formative years) and I preferred gym shoes over patent leather shoes.

     The older I got; the more I began to hear whispers and questions as to whether or not I liked girls. It was offensive and the very thought of it disgusted me. But, the more I heard whispers and questions about my sexuality, the more I began to question myself. I wondered what it was that people saw in me that I myself was missing... Maybe I did like girls.

      I moved out of state for college. From the time I was a kid, I wanted to attend a Historically Black College so I applied only to Black Colleges, all of them in the south. I ended up at Alabama A&M in Huntsville. I knew no one there and that was by design. I wanted to go somewhere  where no one knew me so I would be forced to go it alone. In the end, that's how I ended up getting it in with girls.

     Because I knew no one at A&M; the immediate perception of my tomboy persona was that I was gay. I was shunned by all of my hall mates and coworkers. WIth no friends, I was immediately homesick and I spent all of my freetime in the computer lab reaching out to loved ones at home and abroad. Eventually, I found myself in chat rooms to pass the time, then on dating websites and other social networking websites meeting people.

     The few guys that I did meet weren't interested in anything of substance and more and more I was being approached by women, online and to my surprise (and chagrin) in person. Pretty soon, my web persona went from being 18/FSM/AL to FSB to FSF all before I had ever even been with a woman.

      Once I began associating with the gay people on campus and going to the clubs; I felt accepted and at ease. It was hard being so far away from home in an unfamiliar place without a car. By the time Thanksgiving break came around, I was full fledged gay. I was in a relationship with one woman and looking for others to join the herom. But it never felt right. Even during intimacy, it felt like something was missing and I always felt filthy afterward. I knew that what I was doing was wrong and there was no denying it. So I started getting high. I started drinking. I did as much as I could of both as often as possible.

       I was trying to quiet the still, small voice within that reminded me of who I was and WHO's I was; a child of the most high God. I had been saved, baptized, and filled with the Holy Ghost with the manifestation of speaking in tongues since the age of 8. To find myself a decade later leading others down a dark path of destruction did a lot to my psyche.

      After several years, a lot of prayer from my family and me making a decision that I did not want to be gay anymore; I was delivered from homosexuality June 12, 2003. I had done all that there was to do in 'the life'. I was tired. And, I knew that God would not strive with me forever. I never had any joy in the life. I was always looking for the weed, the alcohol or the attention of a pretty girl to make me feel adequate. Not even happy or joyful. Just, adequate.

     By the grace of God; I have not gone back to the life. And I can say confidently, that I never will. I have a heart for those who are in the life because I know, better than many, how it feels to want to get out and feel that there is no way out. In the life, being gay is about way more than who you're sleeping with; it becomes who you are and that's what makes it most difficult to walk away. It's a culture, a lifestyle, a way of living. And, even though most people won't agree; it's a choice.

     I don't believe that people choose same sex attraction. I believe that it is a deviant spirit; one that can be cast out. But only with a sincere desire to be rid of it and prayer to back it up. He did it for me; he can do it for anyone; he is no respecter of persons.