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Saturday, July 16, 2011

{Significant Other Saturday} - Flashbacks

I had a flashback today that led to me having a ... moment, we'll call it.

I'm on a fast from secular music until the end of the month to sort of detox, if you will. As I was programming my Rhapsody with Christian music, (Detroit Gospel; Deitrick Haddon, Fred Hammond, BeBe & CeCe Winans) I saw the cover of a Fred Hammond CD that took me back to a bad place.

No one told me that years after being gone from my ex-husband, even while involved in an awesome, successful relationship, that I would still be bombarded with negative thoughts and memories that could have the power to transport me back to that awful place.

Seeing that CD cover reminded me of the day that he bought that and several other Fred Hammond CDs.

I can't remember if we were sharing a car at the time or not, but for whatever reason, Paul had to pick me up from a job interview. It was with a better security company than the one I was working for. I was offered a job working the day shift at the Ford Motor Company's World Headquarters. The money was better, they offered actual benefits and the location was closer to where we lived. All signs pointed to 'yes' take the job.

I didn't take the job.

At the time, I was taking classes full time and needed a set schedule in order to continue doing that. Although my shift wouldn't deviate; the days I would be scheduled to work would change bi-weekly.

My unemployed husband couldn't seem to understand my logic in rejecting the job and expressed his disdain by ordering me out of his car and peeling out.

My immediate reaction was to blow up his cell phone from mine. No answer. So, I used the desk phone in the lobby. He picked up. When I told him it was me, he hung up the phone.

There were people around so I tried my best not to cry or lose it. But after half an hour of his shenanigans, I really began to panic. I was ready to call someone to come and get me. But who? How would I explain away the fact that my darling husband left me to rot with no way home to anyone who would be fool enough to come and get me? I gave up on the idea and waited.

After 45 minutes, he came back. I was relieved but fuming. He told me that he had to let me cool off and give myself some time to think because obviously, I wasn't thinking correctly. I advised him that if he was so fond of the position that he should apply for it himself.

That spawned a whole new argument. Needless to say; it was a wonderful ride home.

God knows I have forgiven Paul for all of those things that he did to me. But for the life of me; I had no idea that those memories would haunt me the way they do.

I was told once that going through a divorce is like experiencing the death of a close relative. I disagree. It's like being maimed. You hear stories all the time about how people who have lost limbs can still feel the lost limb, pain and everything. THAT'S what divorce is like. Something that is long gone that still haunts you.

  All American Rejects - Gives you Hell


Thanks for reading!

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