Integrity means doing the right thing when no one is looking or when you won't be rewarded for it. Yesterday, I almost failed the integrity test. Let me back up a bit.
So, last Saturday, I moved out of the house of horrors into my own (emphasis on OWN) home. A comparable 3 bedroom bungalow not far from the home I had been renting for nearly three years. My oldest brother, father, Godson and boyfriend moved me in in under three hours.
For the first time ever; I've got new living room furniture and a new bed (not a new mattress though). It's a really amazing feeling to have my own crib. It's so quiet here, peaceful. It's an unfamiliar and welcome feeling.
So yesterday, was Valentine's eve. My boyfriend and I work long days and live on polar opposite ends of town so we celebrated Valentine's Day yesterday. Aside from the previous Saturday when he helped me move; I hadn't seen him in a month! On moving day; he was here all of 90 minutes before it was over with and the snow storm started.
We were all alone with nothing but space and opportunity. I was making dinner; stir fry and fried rice, nothing fancy. As I was standing over the stove, he hugged me from behind. I was ready to disregard our celibacy vow. Let's go." I said, seriously. He perked up and pulled me into an embrace, we pecked quickly on the lips and I told him to go get a condom from the gas station on the corner. We parted ways; him toward the front door, me to my bedroom and we stopped, almost at the same moment. There was silence. Neither of us facing the other. I spoke first. "Is this where we come to our senses?" I asked.
He turned around and sat on the couch, I sat beside him. "We need to make a decision one way or the other and stick to it." I said. "Make a decision? I thought we did that already."
That wasn't what I wanted to hear. I wanted him to cosign for what I was down to do. Instead, he talked me down and reminded me as to why we made the decision that we did. For salvation, discipline and a mutual love and respect for one another. He admitted that it was not what he wanted to say or in line with what he was feeling but it was the right thing.
Shortly after, we prayed together, asking for forgiveness and for strength to endure.
Admittedly; I'm disappointed in myself. I thought I was stronger than I showed myself to be yesterday. There was no steamy make out session that led to me deciding that I was ready to forego the past 14 months of celibacy. Just a choice in my own mind that giving in would be worth more than the promise I'd made to God.
I'm so grateful that my boyfriend stood firm, otherwise, I would have been kicking myself today and denying both he and I of the rewards we are certain to reap for our sacrifice.
Happy Valentine's Day.